Auxtoooooon!!!

So I was in my bathroom this morning lathering liquid pomade into my hair when I began running a hypothetical situation through my head.

My tangent began while I was thinking about foreign chicks and how they talk in different languages. (I know that's a confusing concept, you know, foreign people talking in different languages, but bare with me. ...Bear with me? ...bears??) I imagined myself in a car, with a totally hot chick. And at one point, in response to something she said, I said "Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!" in a low falsetto voice. Then this imagination girl asked me a question.

"Do you think they say something like that in another country? I mean like, what would they say?"

and I answered, "Well, if their word for sweet was "Auxtoon" they would say "Aux-TOOOOOOOOOOON!"

Then I laughed quietly to myself in my bathroom at the situation I had just acted out.

Personal...best.

That title took a second. Alright now I haven't posted in a while but for you "Golden Plasma Members" I'm going to do something I didn't plan on doing originally. I'm going to share PERSONAL DETAILS OF MY LIFE.

This is just because it's on my mind and I don't want an STD. I probably won't get one, but hey. STD's are sucky. I'll regret writing this later, when my blog hinders me from getting a job. OH WAIT sex isn't illegal at my age! I'm good to go!

SO basically, yeah. You know what I'm getting at. That thing. That one thing that just sorta "happens" and you're like WHOA SHIT. This is private personal personal shit, and I hope nobody reads this blog, especially not my co-worker that I said "Oh you can read my blog!" to. Cuz this'll just be awkward if she reads this. No worries though. Nobody clicks the link on my fucking facebook that I know of.

K so I accidentally slept with a girl. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. But no, I wasn't drunk.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. But no. I wasn't high.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE I was just kinda bored at a party. Ser-sly.

Now the thing about this is that I SHOULDN'T have done it. But I did. No worries, it's not like one of my best friend's sisters. That'd be terrible. But it IS the sister of an acquaintance of mine. Oopsie-diddle! I'm gonna take that link off facebook soon I think. Oh and for you "bros" out there...I'll tell you. 8.5 :)

So yeah, oops. I probably don't have an STD though guys, don't worry. But I'll keep you updated.

In other news...hmm...other news...

I am better than you.
The end.

It's 3:08 in the morning.

I just have to say this: You know you should be asleep when an imaginary voice in your head that sounds like Charlie asks if you've seen the show "Lady Taxi Driver."

Dream last night

So I had a dream last night that was weird, and I want to recount it in this blog, so I can look back later and say "Oh hey. I dreamt that."


What I can remember is that I had moved to California...or was traveling across the country...yeah. I was traveling across the country to find myself, and had come to a pier with a bunch of buildings. I went into a store...a guitar store? and started looking at all the guitars. I went to the owner and said "hey man, I left home and really need a job, can you hook me up?" So I start working there, and in my dream it feels like no time passes at all really. like a day. Suddenly it's about 30 years in the future! I feel like I just woke up from a dream, and I'm like SHIT. Did I seriously just miss 30 years? Shit! I ask the guy "How long have I been here?? I was gonna DO something with my life! Dammit!" So I run out, and I'm like "Gahh, I need to find something to do now. Fuck. Wasted my life." So I go to a hat store. (I know...I don't know...) I try on at least one hat, none of them I see fit my personality (a problem I tend to have in real life hat shopping). I go "home," basically meaning I go to where I had apparently been staying for 30 years. It's a cruddy apartment that I know has been in a past dream of mine. There is a woman living there with two kids, but I didn't feel like they were my family. Just concerned friends/roommates. "Where will you go?" they ask. "Ahhhhhh I gotta leave town. I still gotta DO something, you know?" So I start walking out of town, and the scenery starts looking less like California and more like Hibbing as I leave. But unfortunately, the road ahead is trashed, like a giant beaver burrowed underneath it and proceeded to shoot upward, creating a sort of earthquake look to the road. Also two trucks were in the road's wreckage, and I saw road construction guys standing around. I think to myself "Shit, I can't go that way." And it felt like that was my main, if not only, way out of town.

So then I meet this girl who's way hot, also way into me, apparently I knew her from the hat shop or something, and we apparently had some sort of secret relationship going on. We started talking in the back of a limo, I told her I had to leave, she didn't want me to go, and wanted to come out in the open with our relationship. I decided we should before I leave, and
we step out of the limo into the Hibbing Cinema 8 parking lot. All of our friends are there, also a turtle, and a pokemon. I dunno. We make our love confession, kiss, everyone is cheering, then...I don't actually know why, but everyone is suddenly gone and things turn half sex-dream on me. Which is fine! Haha. Then it stops. Which isn't fine! Someone else gets out of a separate limo laughing maniacally. I don't know who it was. I can't remember...seriously........okay fine I think it was Jesse from Team Rocket. Fine. Yes, Jesse interrupted my sex dream. I honestly think it's just cuz I saw the pokemon immediately BEFORE the good part, and I was thinking about it. Ah man, wow, yeah, this is good...hey what was a pokemon doing here? -BAM. Jesse. Shit. She starts talking dumb shit, I honestly grabbed my sex dream girl, pulled her into my limo, and just started up again. Fuck my brain, I'll do what I want. And of course at this point I'm lucid, meaning I realize that I'm in a dream, and whenever that happens with me in sex dreams, I wake up. Damn. It always happens in sex dreams, cuz my brain tries to deduce how and why I'm sleeping with said girl, because my mind is apparently not shallow enough to just ENJOY the damn dream. :(

So, to sum it up: I start with this elaborate dream that quite possibly holds many of my subconscious thoughts and fears...and end with having a sexual adventure walked in on by a Pokemon cast member. Wow.

Chilliwack, gone gone gone.

There's something about lemons that pisses me right square off. They are tasty and therefore utterly irresistible, yet at the same time sour and full of hate. They're like bear traps with Reese's Puffs in the center. It's like, "I could have candy for breakfast!!" BAM. TRAP. NO. And you're done.
That'd actually make for a good Reese's Puffs commercial...
So I was hiking with my friend through the woods while thinking about lemons when my friend says, "I had Reese's for breakfast." "CANDY FOR BREAKFAST? Fuck off!" He says, "Not candy, Reese's Puffs Cereal!" So I attempt to try a bowl, but as I lean down to take a bite a bear trap latches onto my face! Suddenly a swirl of flavor and pain rush through my body!

Reese's-Puffs! Broughttoyoubyacompletebreakfastinstructionsnotapplycandymay
causediabetescompletebreakfast.

Then a bear probably appears and they all laugh. See there's a very specific formula for a Reese's Puffs commercial.
1. Doing a ridiculously unrelated activity, i.e. "So I'm putting the ninth hole..."
2. Friend brags about eating candy for breakfast, as opposed to saying "I ate Reese's Puffs this morning."
3. First person is astonished and refuses to believe that anyone would have the gall to eat pixie sticks and swedish fish for their first meal.
4. Friend clarifies.
5. First guy tries a bowl, best fucking thing he's ever had.
6. Announcer talks for ten seconds and you hear nothing he says because you're too busy staring at the "complete breakfast."
7. Random thing happens that relates to the kids getting yelled at for the activity they were doing, but it's okay! They have cereal! So they just laugh and smile at the camera. The end.

That's it! Name this code!
8441
2136
4421

My idea last night.

I wanna write a book about a character named "Superficial Warlock." He would spend most of his time neglecting his studies of the dark arts due to his obsession of looking at himself in the mirror. But then one day he's muttering a spell to himself "grumble...mmm....incantatem...grumble...man...I look great..." and VWHOOSH! A wild fashion demon appears! Superficial Warlock attempts to fight it off, but the demon is too fast and well-dressed to be stopped! He grips Superficial Warlock in a death-grip-choke-hold and starts muttering a curse! "Grumble...incanatanto, placebonerium, gracio abercrombino!" Suddenly VOIP! Superficial Warlock is ugly as sin!
"Grumble!!!!" says the Superficial Warlock.
"Meep hah! Now try getting laid! Meep hah!"
The rest of the story would be about Superficial Warlock and his failed attempts at scoring sweet latino babes. I'm really excited about this book. Here's another excerpt from what will likely go down as the best story written about a Warlock ever!

"Sooo....you like magic tricks?" Superficial Warlock asked with a hopeful eye.
"Pfffff, as if!" shouted the brown-haired latino
"Grody!" scoffed her pride-filled latino friend. It seems as though no good latino girl likes invites of magic and mysticism from creepers. Superficial Warlock decided to attempt a new angle.
"I have a Super Nintendo..."

Will this new angle win Superficial Warlock sweet latino love? Buy the book and find out!

Chim chum.

My favorite things

In these last twenty minutes or so of my work shift today, I feel an urge to blog. Unfortunately, there isn't anything new or exciting floating through my brain lately. It sometimes seems like if I have a lot of fun stuff going on I have less random thoughts. So I figure I can just explain my list of favorite things.
These things on the list are not exactly "awesome" as a whole, but they definitely rock my socks.

Sunshowers
Dolphins
Bendy Straws
Drinkey-drinkey birds
Rotating slides
Chocolate fountains
Obscurely placed water coolers
The terms "Bonus" and "Points." Especially when used together. "Bonus Points!"
The Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep System (originally developed by NASA)
Shoes with wheels in them
Shoes that light up when you step
Shoes with wheels in them that light up when you step. Perfect combo.
Combo attacks
Uppercuts
Jumpshots!!
Dodge-rolls
Double Jumps
Triple kicks
Wall jumps
Smaller, bite-sized versions of already bite-sized foods.
Protein shakes
Not so much the OBJECT that is "rock salt," but moreso the term, "rock salt."
Made up candy names (Power crunch, Mega-Bolognios, Yumpops, Sour Captain Squares, etc.)

That's just a small collection of things I find to be awesome. But I'm off duty now, gotta go!

What the rich would do.

If I were the richest man on earth, I'd probably buy one hammer for every nail.